Accepting Being Broken
by Pokeyonekenobie
Summary: "But where would the world have been without you?" Relena asked. "I often wonder what things would have been like if the wars had turned out differently. You probably won't believe me, but I don't think the world could ever repay you for your sacrifices. I am proud to call you all my friends." A one-shot in honor of Memorial Day.


**A/N: Just a one shot in honor of Memorial Day. It might be a day off from work but barbecues are not what this day is about. Please remember those who have served. We thank you for your sacrifice.**

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"On this day we remember those who have served in the armed forces. It is important to remember that all who fought did so because they felt that they had a cause worth fighting for. This is not a day to place blame. No matter which side a soldier was on, he or she knew many good men and women who gave their lives in hope of a better future and that dedication is what we want to remember. Please be respectful to all with whom you come into contact today. Thank you."

The crowd erupted into applause and Relena took her seat, breathing a sigh of relief as she did so. No matter how many times she did it, giving speeches always stressed her out. As the next speaker took his place at the podium, she glanced over the crowd knowing that she wouldn't see them here. She checked her watch. She planned to slip away as soon as possible.

After the final speech, Relena carefully made her way through the crowd, stopping to shake hands and express thanks to those who had served over the years. It took forever to get to her car but once she did, she slipped gratefully into the back seat and told her driver where she wished to go.

As they pulled up to one of Quatre's many estates, Relena hoped that things went better this year than they had in years past. Every year the five pilots met here. Every year there were too many tears shed. Every year there was too much alcohol consumed. Every year the Maganacs had to step in and stop at least one fight. Every year Relena worried that it wouldn't get any better but she still had hope.

The Gundam pilots all suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. While many of the other soldiers suffered from PTSD, these five seemed to have it worse. Relena wasn't sure why that was. She suspected it was because they had been so young. Most teenagers worried about going on dates. These young men had the blood of thousands on their hands before they were legally allowed to drive a car. They felt guilty about the lives they'd taken. They felt guilty that they had survived when so many others didn't. They felt weak for succumbing to PTSD in the first place. They had been strong for so many years that now they just felt broken.

She'd tried to explain to them that feeling broken wasn't something to be ashamed of but she wasn't sure they wanted to believe her.

Relena let all these thoughts pass through her mind as she rang the bell.

"Ah, Miss Relena! Please come in!"

"Thank you, Rashid." Relena smiled up at the man. He was still strong but the grey in his hair was starting to overtake the black. "How have things been so far?"

He smiled at her. "I think you will be pleasantly surprised."

Relena made her way into the den. The five men were lounging about. Heero and Wufei were playing chess while Duo snored on one of the couches in the room, his braid dangling over the armrest. Quatre was reading a book and Trowa flipped through stations on the television, looking for something to watch.

There wasn't a single drop of alcohol in sight.

Relena smiled. She knew that the alcohol helped to numb their pain but she also felt that it aggravated their guilt by bringing up their worst memories.

"Good afternoon, Miss Relena," Quatre greeted her as he put down his book. In the ten years since the war ended, the blonde had hit a growth spurt and was now taller than she was.

"Good afternoon, Quatre. It's nice to see everyone."

Heero and Wufei, intent on their game, simply waved their greetings. Trowa nodded to her and went back to flipping through the stations and Duo snored on. Relena took a seat next to Quatre.

"How are things _really_ , Quatre?" she asked quietly.

He smiled at her. "We wanted to surprise you. After you left last year, we realized that we were making things worse on ourselves by not getting the help we need. So we made a pact that we would all seek counseling and that today would not be a day to drink."

"That's wonderful!"

Quatre nodded. "Yes. But I think Duo—"

Duo interrupted with a particularly loud snore before rolling over and settling back into sleep.

Quatre lowered his voice a little more. "I think Duo's having the worst time of it."

"Why?"

"His childhood was particularly tragic and he's been pushing the memories away for so long that seeing the counselor has brought up a lot of stuff he thought he'd forgotten. I've gone with him a couple of times, at Duo's request of course, and what he's been through breaks my heart."

"That's too bad," Relena said.

She was curious about what he'd been through but wasn't sure she wanted to know enough to pry. The ebullient braided man had often seemed to be the best adjusted among the pilots but it was all just a ruse. He put on a brave face and acted like everything was fine when he was really hurting inside. It was a pattern all too common with many veterans.

"I'm just glad we've all accepted that we need help," Trowa put in as he sat on Relena's other side. He'd given up trying to find something to watch. Almost every channel was showing war movies today and he didn't feel like watching them. "It's hard to admit that you're not capable of handling things on your own anymore."

Relena frowned. "It isn't about being capable. Breaking down isn't a sign that you're weak. It's a sign that you've been strong for too long. And there's nothing wrong with needing help. I wish more soldiers would recognize that sooner."

"Ah, Miss Relena," Quatre said, shaking his head slightly. "That's the problem, isn't it? As soldiers we're trained to be at our best at all times. We're trained to believe that pain is weakness leaving the body. We're trained to endure the worst that humanity can throw at us. And when it's all over, we believe that we're to blame when things fall apart. We believe that if we had just done one thing differently, others wouldn't have died. We run scenarios in our heads day in and day out wondering what we could have changed to save a life. We wonder why it wasn't us that died. We believe it _should_ have been us that died. If someone like you hadn't been here to help us see what we didn't want to see and stuck with us when we were hardest to live with, we wouldn't be where we are today."

"But where would the world have been without _you_?" Relena asked. "I often wonder what things would have been like if the wars had turned out differently. You probably won't believe me, but I don't think the world could ever repay you for your sacrifices. What you gave so we could live the way we do is nothing short of heroic. I am proud to call you all my friends."

"That's a pretty speech, Princess," Duo said as he stretched and sat up.

Relena frowned. "It isn't a speech. I mean it."

Duo gave her a lopsided grin. "I know."

Rashid chose that moment to enter with food and drinks. He left the trays on the coffee table and left. He kept nearby in case he was needed but otherwise he stayed out of the way. He had dealt with his war demons many years ago and was always available to these younger veterans when they wanted to talk. He knew what they were going through which made them comfortable with discussing their issues with him.

Quatre passed out the lemonade and lifted his glass.

"All gave some. Some gave all. We move on. Let us not waste the precious gift they gave."


End file.
